We all have them, they are part of us …….. Families! But when do you decide that helping someone who is a family member, becomes a battle of wills and you find yourself getting angrier and angrier at the complete stupidity of your family member.
A girlfriend of mine has a very distant relationship with a member of her family, in recent years the rift was getting smaller, but events in the last couple of months has made her realise that she doesn’t actually like him that much.
They had different relationships with their parents. She went to boarding school and he stayed at home with the parents, he went on the family holidays, she just came home three times a year. He was there all the time and she wasn’t, the age difference between them didn’t help either.
She recently felt sorry for him, his marriage of 3 years had broken down and he was in need of a big sister hug, or so she thought.
She went off to the airport to collect him, his flight was nearly an hour late, so that didn’t go down well and when he finally turned up, she was on the verge of a migraine due to the lights inside the airport.
They had the cordial hug and got into a taxi for the 10 minute drive back to her flat. On entering the flat, he put his stuff into the bedroom at the end of the corridor and out they went down to the pub. Probably not the best thing to do, but still they went.
He had come to get his head sorted out, to have a heart to heart and chat about where he was going to go. She had already spoken to her soon to be ex sister in law and she knew that there was no going back for him, the love and trust had gone.
The longer he was there the more she realized that she didn’t like him. He was full of bullshit stories, his black cat was bigger than yours, he had been there and done it, badly obviously, and he didn’t have the decency to tell the person on the end of the phone that he was having a break with his sister and he would phone back. He wanted his ego stroked, and she was not the person to do it!
On nights when she didn’t want to go to the pub, he would go on his own and bring alcohol back to the house. Not a day went by, where he didn’t have a drink.
Breaking point came when a conversation turned to him not submitting self assessment tax forms, he had failed to do this for 5 years, each year culminating in a penalty of £1600.00 per year. His attitude was one of, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. She flipped, picking up her pint of beer, she threw it over him and walked home, leaving him sat there with her husband.
She refused to talk to him the next day and screamed at him that he was not a child, he has responsibilities and he needs to grow up. He grabbed his stuff and walked out of the flat, she never saw him again after that.
Then all the insults started to come out, she was to blame for the way he had turned out, she was the reason he was untrusting, a failure, blah, blah, blah. She replied that she was not to going to be responsible for his failures as a human being and that as far as she was concerned, he was dead to her.
She left it a few days and when he started “poking” her, she wrote a message to him saying did he want to talk. He replied that he always wanted to talk and then it started AGAIN! The insults came thick and fast. She was doing an excellent impersonation of her deceased mother, her life was pretentious and she should stop telling people where she had lived before as it made her sound conceited. She was selfish and her attitude towards others made her think she was better than everyone else.
She stupidly began to retaliate, telling him some home truths, all the while making her self madder and madder for letting him get to her. You see, she gets on very well with her soon to be ex, sister in law, knowing both sides of the story. And one of the main reasons that her sister in law had asked him to leave was his lack of respect, communication and his lashing out with words.
A quick conversation with a few good friends who knew her, very well, made her come to her senses and accept that he wasn’t only lambasting her, he was deflecting. All the nasty comments aimed at her, were actually him finally, but without accepting, that he was describing himself.
The damage had been done, she was prepared to accept an apology for his outburst, initially. After all he had put a small hole in her bubble and as time is a great healer, the hole had healed itself, unlike her feelings, or lack of them, for him. There was no going back as far as she was concerned.
I know she has shut herself off from people, rebuilding the walls and making sure that her bubble has a double lining and re evaluating who she allows to get close.
It’s a sad fact of life that people tend to be jealous of others, but rather than just admit it, they will write bitchy comments on a forum, send snide comments on Facebook or, if they have your number, text insults.